the miseducation part 1

Lauryn Hill is gifted. To put it simply, she may be one of the most brilliant writers and musicians of our time. The only thing inhibiting her success in the mainstream is her change from the commercial Lauryn we all know and love to the "psycho babble" Lauryn we feared and misunderstood... but little did you all know, my girl was always ahead of her time, you just weren't paying attention... "And even after all my logic and my theory, I ADD a muthafucker so you ignorant niggas hear me." That being said, Lauryn and I have always been kindred spirits. Poet to poet, brown skin to brown skin, love of the classics (Carter G. Woodson), and... our absence from school the day LOVE was taught.

I hate writing poems about love... well the ones about heartbreak and being in love and all that ..stuff. However, some stuff just needs to be said ya know? I remember a few years ago, I wrote a poem that went "Black Love is Black wealth and damnit... I'm rich bitch!!!" Well today, I can declare I am not only broke.. but in debt. The poem went on to discuss the beautiful examples of love I had seen on TV or read about in books. No mention of my parents or my sister or my cousin... nothing. I don't have many examples to go by. And even if I did... eating a bunch of brownies and cakes doesn't make a great baker. The bottom line is I don't understand love and to be perfectly honest... I never have.

My first love was Tupac Shakur. Eight years old I was listening to his music religiously and memorizing the lyrics, wearing his shirts, dubbing tapes aaaah, the good old days. My elementary and middle school friends should remember MsShakur4life... the coolest screen name ever! Haha. Some should remember a rainy September 13th, candles and a Ouija board. Torn between life and death, I remember my parents being concerned about what they deemed my obsession but shit... it was love. Love. My first love. There wasn't a man on this earth that could say I loved him before I loved Pac.

That was until Keenan. I was in love with a celebrity for so long loving a person I could touch was unreal. I still didn't understand love so I didn't have any demands of it. I just needed to be touched. I don't even mean in the sexual sense... In the sense that, if I could touch him, it meant he was real... it meant the love was real. He was my BOYFRIEND. I enjoyed just saying the word. He thought I was smart and pretty. I was amazed... but I didn't know shit about love. I knew that Keenan loved... a lot. A lot of women. He apologized. Over and over again. But it wasn't until I was 2,000 miles away and received news of twins (that weren't mine) I finally understood what love wasn't. Still meant I didn't understand what it was either.

Love is enduring. I started to love whoever. I threw the word around like a football and there are boyfriends in between Pac and Keenan and him that thought I loved them. But I was playing the game. What's the harm in telling a guy you love them cause you like them?? Well... it's a lie for starters :)

But then there was Him. God. I love him like I love oxygen. And in my love of him... I began to love ANOTHER. But loving someone doesn't make them love you. I found that in loving him I learned a lot about loving myself. You know when you love someone so much you get frustrated because you can't even fix your lips to express it? Or when their actions hurt you so much you are literally sick to your stomach? Somedays I can't breath at the thought of life without them... Love is kind yes but it can hurt like a bitch sometimes too. I love this man so much I refuse to call him my "other half" because, if I have learned anything about love it's that you can't count on someone to make up your half. I love him so much I worked damn hard to make myself whole so the both of us as wholes can compliment each other. I love him so much I smile if I think he's happy. The crazy thing about love is that it can take you to the top... and to the bottom.

So here I am in love... but in debt. and tears. I have been taking some remedial courses on it and I figured that I better stick to loving the Big Him... cause he has all the answers I need. And I keep tryna figure out shit but it ain't meant for me to know. I still love him... the human him, and he hurts me and it hurts me BUT... I pray for strength and healing. strength and healing. strength and healing. *Shaking my head* Love... and strength and healing.

So if you are sitting here and actually read through all of this and find that you have somehow been Miseducated.... take time to go back to school. If you love somebody (specially the fellas) act like it... tell her... show her. She is dying to hear it. But be honest about your feelings cause if you keep waiting until things are just right... you'll miss out on a happiness you've never imagined.


**Striving for perfect attendance**
JPB

"Let me tell you somethin... This here.. right now.. at this very moment... is all that matters to me. I love you. And that's urgent like a motherfucker."

4/6/07