thinking out loud.

So I've been going through a break-up for umm... almost two months now. I finally got through the hardest days... feeling like I wanted to die, not eating, obsessively thinking about what went wrong or what he's doing.

He found his own way of moving on. And I've tried finding mine. I tried exercising, singing, writing, therapy, studying. At least at first. To get over the utter despair. And none of that shit worked... or maybe all of it worked. I'm not sure because I just needed a minute, to let the angst pass. I can see his name or picture without chest pain now... and I can finally stop looking at both just in case I can't.

I tried rushing to date other people.... so I could disrupt the urges I had to call or to combat the loneliness. But what worked for him, moving on to the next thing of interest, didn't work for me. I don't want a relationship based in anything less than a deep emotional connection. If I can't find that, or if I'm not ready... I don't want anything. So while I was worried staying single would send the message that I was waiting for him, or too hurt to move on... I know I will date when I'm ready, and now, I'm just not. I'm not only still not over my past relationship, but in retrospect, I probably wasn't ready to be in one in the first place.

People always say love will find you once you find yourself. Maybe I thought I got lucky cause I found love while I was still tryna figure the self part out. But that's not the case. And I don't care what he thinks. I'm not over what we had because it was that special to me. And it meant something because in the end, I finally figured out that I need to finish building my house before I look for a roommate.

It's not easy. For one, because I'm downright lonely. For two, because I'm terribly busy studying for the bar. For three because it's hard finding yourself when you're not sure where to look.

I miss our conversations. I miss watching you work. I miss falling asleep on the phone. Talking through sunrise. Holding hands in the village. I miss feeling safe. I miss feeling loved... even though I doubted it. I miss feeling understood. and I just... I just knew it was my turn this time...

And it wasn't. I just need to be ok. To work through these feelings of inadequacy. I want to say it's ok that I've never had a boyfriend, and never brought a guy home to meet my parents... or had a guy interested in doing so. But it isn't. It affects me deeply and until I accept it and become truly happy with myself... I'll never attract the love I want. I just don't understand why it's so damn hard to do. Only thing I could think of that's more difficult than that... is getting over him.