like drowning.

My therapist asked me what this felt like. at the time, I couldn't verbalize it, all I could say was... bad. it hurt. i felt dumb. used. frustrated. confused. more used. scared. tired. when relationships end, you work to convince yourself one way or the other, that you actually hated the other person and it's best, or that you loved the other person and it was just time. well i felt both those things because to date i'm not sure what exactly it was.

a large part of me believes i was used. that's his modus operendi. to use until there is none left. and he doesn't love me. he can't because love doesn't remain silent for a month while I lost weight, cried daily, stopped eating, slept all day, and vomited when it was all too much. love doesn't refuse you closure. and he has.

but what i fear the most... is that i fell in love with a monster. a liar and a cheat. and man who lacks compassion. like the woman who discovers her husband of several years was a serial killer. you can say all you want, he was just a bad person.. but what does it say about you that of all the people in the world who needed it, you chose to give yours to the most undeserving of them all.

my mind thought this. my mind understands these feelings. they are logical feelings. but my heart.... my heart can't think about these feelings... it just feels like.... drowning.

like everyday i'm drowning... fighting like hell to stay above water but some days i sink to the bottom and stay there. until i regain the will to push myself back up again. the days i go out and have a good time... is like the split second my head pops out of the water to catch my breath. Then it hits me that it's not only over, but when it happened it was rooted in deception and i sink back down again. the days i give in i relax my muscles, sink back down to the bottom and slowly float up. i use astrology, prayer, therapy, writing as buoys my savior throws at me. I grasp at them in desperate attempts to keep from drowning to death. it's fucking exhausting. and what keeps me afloat... is sheer will. just the will to come out of the water after all is said and done.

what I can say is, the thing about almost drowning is... i'm not like the women he burned, or shot, or beat. I don't have permanent scars. we don't have children, or accounts, or a home together. so when i do come out of this water... the sun will dry any remnants i have of what we shared.... letters, photos, jewelry perfume. and i won't have the kinds of scars that last forever.

eventually i'll realize what feels like an ocean is only a pool... and if I manage to stand... I'll be ok after all.

wings.

I know how it feels when the night demons come. We can’t let them control our hands and feet. Sometimes when it hurts so bad we have to just lay in the bed. Just lay in bed and don’t move Please, I know how it feels. I wish McQueen could have just been still. Don’t let the psychiatrists give you their drugs because it slows down your wings. Society and public opinion can beat the wings off of angels. When God sees they can’t take it anymore, he brings them home.

i live for you yé

tragedy or triumph?

something about michael jackson's death reminds me of the election of barack obama. both monumental moments in recent history. and in both instances i saw humanity. people across the world seemed to fall silent because no words quite expressed the sheer reverance that overwhelmed us. but in great tragedy, as in great triumph, we find ourselves re-evaluating our personal relationships and performing a sort of emotional inventory- asking whether or not we loved enough, gave enough, tried enough. and quiet as it is kept, tragedy and triumph affect us so deeply because we often realize that after performing that inventory, some shit is missing.

we regret that we didn't study harder, work longer, or dedicate ourselves more- because we really could have been more like barack. we regret that we don't tell our loved ones we love them enough because of the sudden and untimely passing of many of our heroes. but if after a few days, after the dust has settled, we go back to the same way we were before, what have we learned? what has changed?

advising people to tell loved ones they loved them is admirable, but if everyday, you go through life knowingly treating someone with disrespect, hurting them, and lying to them, then what do your words mean? i keep finding people who harbor anger, get upset, at how people treat them or what people have done to them without ever pausing for a second to think that what they put into the universe they get out of the universe. and how many people must fail you before you do that inventory check and realize it is you who is failing.

we admire mike we admire barack, we are invigorated by the possibilities after seeing just how unbelievable the universe can be. but if after the memorial goes off, or after the election takes place you haven't forced yourself beyond your comforts, then why even exaggerate your lament at all. it's easy to tell someone you love you love them. try apologizing to someone you know you hurt, forgiving someone you know hurt you, thinking of ways to live your life that reflect the goodness of michael's spirit. defending causes that will change the way evil operates. embrace change. that may be the one drake lyric i have to respectfully disagree with. niggas always wanna remain the same... but if you the same muthafucka you been the past five, ten, fifteen years no wonder you find yourself constantly questioning the people around you.

people who influence the world are never static characters... everyday they grow and change and learn. what true love is, is loving someone through the difference. so as we all remember the dynamism that was embodied by michael, i hope we don't forget the dynamism within ourselves. and for once, be so moved by tragedy or triumph that we actually have the courage to change something about ourselves. and then, maybe later, something about the world.

Death is never about dying

I got serenity tattooed on my wrist, so I could remember peace in my darkest hour. When it throbs I know it's a reminder of peace in life. Reminds me to calm myself. A mark of the flesh as a reminder to thrive in the spirit. My flesh doesn't mean much to me. I can tell in the way I treat it... but my spirit! Aaaah. God breathes life into my spirit and I cannot mistreat that. No matter how hard I try. But my flesh must die for me to live in the spirit. And you see... you who are my enemy are actually my savior.

They tell you to love your enemy but I am in love with my enemy. He hates me. He hates the way I love, the way I think, the way I act. In his eyes I'm only flesh but see, when I look at him... I see his spirit. I'm sorry for well, the days I thought in terms of flesh. But for the days I thought in the spirit.... well those were the best days of my life. I imagined a day that he would love my spirit but in a year and a half that day has yet to come. It is so easy to get caught up in the flesh. In all that is around you. We forget our partners in spirit who didn't lust after our flesh. The ones who knew our middle names (or lack there of :)) or who loved our mothers for making us. Who were proud of us. Who were happy to see us. Who were honest with us.

I always loved your spirit. Whether you'll believe it or not... cold rain has a way of telling the flesh a lot about the spririt.

But you know, God has been moving in me in miraculous ways. He told me my flesh would have to die in order for spirit to live. I had to release the pain in my flesh for the freedom of my spririt. All this time I kept wondering why I loved you. It was because you you were my enemy. You would betray me. I needed you to. You see you don't know how to lov anyone living. I have to die for you to ever love to me. You wanted to love me so badly you hated me to death. You could kill my flesh but you could never take my spirit's will to live.

Romans 8:13 says "Through the spirit, heal your flesh, you will live, prosper. The words I speak are spirit." I can kill my flesh with the word. In this case you words were, "so, bye." Wrenched with indifference. I felt meaningless but I started to understand that this had to happen. I had to be betrayed, had to be dismissed so I could live.

As I sat in the cold rain dying I finally understood the purpose. When I approached God with an open heart... once I satisfied his love he didn't deny me. I prayed for everthing I experienced. I prayed to be killed.

I prayed to die. I prayed for this because I prayed for my spirit. I prayed for you to kill me without taking my will to live. You can't have that.

I think back to my freshman year of highschool when my mother kept saying how much she wanted a doctor in the family. So as I sat in all of my math and science courses writing compositions, and then told people I would become a plastic surgeon.. I gave up. My mother or anyone else could not make me into a person I wasn't. I was apologetic, I meant well when I lied about my interest in medicine. But i was not that person. And when I think about you... I love you because you are me. There are a world of people asking you to be someone you are not. You may have the ability to be... but you are not.

I wanted you to be a man you couldn't be. One my flesh wanted so badly it ignored what my spirit made clear. No one has ever required anything else of you. The success of your flesh meant you could ignore everything else around you because your success in flesh was enough. You don't have to call, we'll call you... you don't have to care, we'll care for you... you don't have to work, we'll work for you... you don't have to love, we'll love you...

Damn I loved you spirit so much I wanted you to be a doctor when you couldn't be. You didn't know how. So you did what you knew how to do. Love the flesh. Now that you have killed me, my flesh is dead. All that's left is my spirit and you don't know how to love that. So when you hit me with the "bye" I finally understood. Bye is forever. Say goodbye to my flesh... I am dead to you.

R.I.P. Jordyne Persephone B.