I got asked an interesting question. What do I want in a guy? not just a guy... the guy. Or some variation of that. And to be honest, I have a habit of picking victims who lack emotional maturity... they are never in a place that they are ready to love me. Not until I let them go. I'm tired of that. I know I do not want that.
But what do I want? After so much pain and so many failed relationships... the most recent being like ummm yesterday just about... I think I only know what I don't. First and foremost I don't want to live in fear. And I say that because right now i shudder at the thought of doing this all over again. i did before him, i cried on his shoulder and told him how scared i was of going through exactly what i'm going through now. if you tell a robber, please don't steal from me... i've been robbed 3 times this year... he's still going to want your diamond necklace. and at the end of the day, there's little i can do about it.
but i digress. what I want in a partner is chemistry, honesty, and respect. i want him to have a job that pays well, can have long hours but also has short ones. I love children, would never eliminate a man with them... but I don't want him to have kids. i want us to dream together. about the birth of our first child. i want him to love me. really love me. love every part of me. and understand me. i want him to be intelligent...but not so much that he can't enjoy the banal.
i want him to say sweet things... but not rehearsed or forced... just a genuine interest in me. i'd like him to be open with me and be able to maintain mystery. i want him to think about others... be concerned with a cause enough to actively work toward correcting it. Not necessarily as a career, but financially or through service.
i want him to respect women... treasure them. and I want him to have a past that he has learned from and a future he's excited about. i want him to be spiritual, maybe even religious... understanding that I'm not, and convicted enough that he believes i will. i'd like us to pray together. to surround ourselves with friends and family. for once to clearly define the boundaries of a relationship and do so without hesitation.
I want him to be tall, dark, handsome... charming, affectionate... and passionate. Passionate about life. He also better love my dog. Not necessarily all dogs... but mine. And mostly... for him to be proud to have me... and offer me security. No more excuses. No missed dates. Maybe some hand holding too... oh yea, no more long distance!
Showing posts with label it is sealed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label it is sealed. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
like drowning.
My therapist asked me what this felt like. at the time, I couldn't verbalize it, all I could say was... bad. it hurt. i felt dumb. used. frustrated. confused. more used. scared. tired. when relationships end, you work to convince yourself one way or the other, that you actually hated the other person and it's best, or that you loved the other person and it was just time. well i felt both those things because to date i'm not sure what exactly it was.
a large part of me believes i was used. that's his modus operendi. to use until there is none left. and he doesn't love me. he can't because love doesn't remain silent for a month while I lost weight, cried daily, stopped eating, slept all day, and vomited when it was all too much. love doesn't refuse you closure. and he has.
but what i fear the most... is that i fell in love with a monster. a liar and a cheat. and man who lacks compassion. like the woman who discovers her husband of several years was a serial killer. you can say all you want, he was just a bad person.. but what does it say about you that of all the people in the world who needed it, you chose to give yours to the most undeserving of them all.
my mind thought this. my mind understands these feelings. they are logical feelings. but my heart.... my heart can't think about these feelings... it just feels like.... drowning.
like everyday i'm drowning... fighting like hell to stay above water but some days i sink to the bottom and stay there. until i regain the will to push myself back up again. the days i go out and have a good time... is like the split second my head pops out of the water to catch my breath. Then it hits me that it's not only over, but when it happened it was rooted in deception and i sink back down again. the days i give in i relax my muscles, sink back down to the bottom and slowly float up. i use astrology, prayer, therapy, writing as buoys my savior throws at me. I grasp at them in desperate attempts to keep from drowning to death. it's fucking exhausting. and what keeps me afloat... is sheer will. just the will to come out of the water after all is said and done.
what I can say is, the thing about almost drowning is... i'm not like the women he burned, or shot, or beat. I don't have permanent scars. we don't have children, or accounts, or a home together. so when i do come out of this water... the sun will dry any remnants i have of what we shared.... letters, photos, jewelry perfume. and i won't have the kinds of scars that last forever.
eventually i'll realize what feels like an ocean is only a pool... and if I manage to stand... I'll be ok after all.
a large part of me believes i was used. that's his modus operendi. to use until there is none left. and he doesn't love me. he can't because love doesn't remain silent for a month while I lost weight, cried daily, stopped eating, slept all day, and vomited when it was all too much. love doesn't refuse you closure. and he has.
but what i fear the most... is that i fell in love with a monster. a liar and a cheat. and man who lacks compassion. like the woman who discovers her husband of several years was a serial killer. you can say all you want, he was just a bad person.. but what does it say about you that of all the people in the world who needed it, you chose to give yours to the most undeserving of them all.
my mind thought this. my mind understands these feelings. they are logical feelings. but my heart.... my heart can't think about these feelings... it just feels like.... drowning.
like everyday i'm drowning... fighting like hell to stay above water but some days i sink to the bottom and stay there. until i regain the will to push myself back up again. the days i go out and have a good time... is like the split second my head pops out of the water to catch my breath. Then it hits me that it's not only over, but when it happened it was rooted in deception and i sink back down again. the days i give in i relax my muscles, sink back down to the bottom and slowly float up. i use astrology, prayer, therapy, writing as buoys my savior throws at me. I grasp at them in desperate attempts to keep from drowning to death. it's fucking exhausting. and what keeps me afloat... is sheer will. just the will to come out of the water after all is said and done.
what I can say is, the thing about almost drowning is... i'm not like the women he burned, or shot, or beat. I don't have permanent scars. we don't have children, or accounts, or a home together. so when i do come out of this water... the sun will dry any remnants i have of what we shared.... letters, photos, jewelry perfume. and i won't have the kinds of scars that last forever.
eventually i'll realize what feels like an ocean is only a pool... and if I manage to stand... I'll be ok after all.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
inspiration.
the title of the blog is inspired by lauryn hill's "conform to love." it's a song about doing more than loving, about being love. so much of my writing is inspired by her honesty. her insanity. her talent. and her freedom. i love righteousbabygirls.blogspot.com dearly. it is and will always be a part of my writing experience and comedic talents, but i wanted to create a space defined by freedom. my words- poems, essays, prose that you've heard or haven't. I'll dig in the crates for classics ya'll wanted copies of that never got to you. All I ask in return is that you share your thoughts and feelings about the work!
Everyday people approach me about how that piece i did at ____(insert dc locale here)___ meant so much, influenced their decisions, reflected feelings they couldn't verbalize... and i always wish i could've heard it there in that moment. i also ask that if you reprint/copy/repost you give credit to the author and this blog. and most importantly! communicate with me, ask me questions, make requests! some of my best work was commissioned.
random but being on twitter has broken down so many walls that i had no part in putting up. many created from fear or misconception. like lauryn says everybody is going through the same shit. i only believe in 2 emotions, love and fear... i hope ya'll choose love and join me on my mission to write a piece for the next 30 days. trying to push myself further than i ever have. the parable of the talents and recent events have ordained it. no room for fear in freedom!
xx
-JB
Everyday people approach me about how that piece i did at ____(insert dc locale here)___ meant so much, influenced their decisions, reflected feelings they couldn't verbalize... and i always wish i could've heard it there in that moment. i also ask that if you reprint/copy/repost you give credit to the author and this blog. and most importantly! communicate with me, ask me questions, make requests! some of my best work was commissioned.
random but being on twitter has broken down so many walls that i had no part in putting up. many created from fear or misconception. like lauryn says everybody is going through the same shit. i only believe in 2 emotions, love and fear... i hope ya'll choose love and join me on my mission to write a piece for the next 30 days. trying to push myself further than i ever have. the parable of the talents and recent events have ordained it. no room for fear in freedom!
xx
-JB
enjoy!
capiche.
one of my latest and most favorite pieces. sometimes you write shit and you make yourself pause cause penning it was an out of body experience. well that's what happened here. hard to look at yourself so openly and honestly. hope you enjoy.
He doesn't understand.
He's a smart man, but-
he doesn't understand
doesn't understand, can't comprehend
Why I want him to be my man.
How do I convince him that he can?
That he's capable, more than able-
to satisfy what I desire.
He's a man with vision
but can't see the scars across my chest,
where a rapist grabbed my breasts
where I let men rest
who could care less about. me.
he's a brilliant man, but he can't understand
how ignoring my calls
makes me feel small
like less than,
not equal to,
not me and you-
he's a diligent man,
but he never researched me
never looked me up beyond the maybelline
I may be lean, but my heart. is. heavy.
I am the definition of forgotten
he remembers my bed, remembers my head
but it slips his mind to see if I'm okay
He doesn't see how taking me out once a week
makes me feel disposable
late nights he recycles me
uses me over and over to reach his peak
and gets so high
he can't see the mountain on his shoulders breaking me
his friends know everything about him --but they don't know me
which leads me to believe
that he doesn't think I am about him.
around him can't surround him.
with anything. but. my. body.
and he's an intelligent man
but he can't read my biography
he doesn't know I have a history
of dealing with men who only appreciate me
after. 3 am.
I have a father and I am ashamed
to tell him that his daughter
has let a man depress her- neglect her- forget. her.
not remember to respect her.
i am just a useful tool.
a screwdriver.
your screw drives her-- to make better mistakes.
He's a smart man
but he refuses to see
how his behavior reflects SHE-- his daughter,
the girl who calls him father.
he's a wise man
but too shallow to see
how deep his behavior reaches.
one day a man will leave her beaten. cheated.
treated like meat and-
he'll disconnect the pieces
of our broken hearts
he won't see it. won't see him.
himself in the selfish bastard
who broke his baby's heart.
you know where it ends,
but I know where it starts
my dad broke my heart years before it beat
and her dad would break mine before she'd ever speak.
and she's a smart girl but,
when it comes to he- she doesn't think
doesn't weep, doesn't see... how she repeats
like a scratched cd
before giving up and skipping to the next song...
And how many tracks will I leave behind
Before someone worthy finds me
And stops. Pressing. Play.
Ejects the mistakes my father made
Fasts forward to what will be his daughter’s pain
If only those visits to the gym
Made you strong enough to eradicate
The behaviors that made you this way.
And after all this time I don’t see results,
Don’t have a membership,
I just remember shit
Like the many times and the many things
You put before getting to know me
Not the bottom half,
But the whole me,
How Everclear reality is now,
It still stings going down
And it’s a hard pill to swallow,
But I’m a tough act to follow
And I almost dare you to find
A woman whose heart is as big as mine
Who is as willing to take the time
To deal with your emotional unavailability
You think I want to be before anything
I just don’t want to be after everything
Why can’t we just be... together
My mama used to say
If you’re too ashamed to introduce him to me
He’s not fit to be a part of your life
And I wish she wasn’t right
But when she asks about you, I lie,
I try, to deny that just like her I lie
Night after night in denial
Telling myself in time
Daddy will come home
And just like me
She wonders why
Every man in her life seems to be a failure,
To fail her,
To nail her to a cross roads
Somewhere in between love and giving up
Between giving her all and not giving a fuck
And I’m my father’s daughter
So if there is one thing I can understand,
I can understand, I do comprehend
That if he can’t hear me scream,
Then maybe it’s time to whisper
To ordain that the pain that encompasses me
Will miss her
My daughter
Who WILL have a loving father whose past won’t come back to haunt her
Who WILL be nothing like her mother,
Who WILL be far stronger
I won’t worry about her...
She will be ok.......
I know cause my mother ordained the same.
He doesn't understand.
He's a smart man, but-
he doesn't understand
doesn't understand, can't comprehend
Why I want him to be my man.
How do I convince him that he can?
That he's capable, more than able-
to satisfy what I desire.
He's a man with vision
but can't see the scars across my chest,
where a rapist grabbed my breasts
where I let men rest
who could care less about. me.
he's a brilliant man, but he can't understand
how ignoring my calls
makes me feel small
like less than,
not equal to,
not me and you-
he's a diligent man,
but he never researched me
never looked me up beyond the maybelline
I may be lean, but my heart. is. heavy.
I am the definition of forgotten
he remembers my bed, remembers my head
but it slips his mind to see if I'm okay
He doesn't see how taking me out once a week
makes me feel disposable
late nights he recycles me
uses me over and over to reach his peak
and gets so high
he can't see the mountain on his shoulders breaking me
his friends know everything about him --but they don't know me
which leads me to believe
that he doesn't think I am about him.
around him can't surround him.
with anything. but. my. body.
and he's an intelligent man
but he can't read my biography
he doesn't know I have a history
of dealing with men who only appreciate me
after. 3 am.
I have a father and I am ashamed
to tell him that his daughter
has let a man depress her- neglect her- forget. her.
not remember to respect her.
i am just a useful tool.
a screwdriver.
your screw drives her-- to make better mistakes.
He's a smart man
but he refuses to see
how his behavior reflects SHE-- his daughter,
the girl who calls him father.
he's a wise man
but too shallow to see
how deep his behavior reaches.
one day a man will leave her beaten. cheated.
treated like meat and-
he'll disconnect the pieces
of our broken hearts
he won't see it. won't see him.
himself in the selfish bastard
who broke his baby's heart.
you know where it ends,
but I know where it starts
my dad broke my heart years before it beat
and her dad would break mine before she'd ever speak.
and she's a smart girl but,
when it comes to he- she doesn't think
doesn't weep, doesn't see... how she repeats
like a scratched cd
before giving up and skipping to the next song...
And how many tracks will I leave behind
Before someone worthy finds me
And stops. Pressing. Play.
Ejects the mistakes my father made
Fasts forward to what will be his daughter’s pain
If only those visits to the gym
Made you strong enough to eradicate
The behaviors that made you this way.
And after all this time I don’t see results,
Don’t have a membership,
I just remember shit
Like the many times and the many things
You put before getting to know me
Not the bottom half,
But the whole me,
How Everclear reality is now,
It still stings going down
And it’s a hard pill to swallow,
But I’m a tough act to follow
And I almost dare you to find
A woman whose heart is as big as mine
Who is as willing to take the time
To deal with your emotional unavailability
You think I want to be before anything
I just don’t want to be after everything
Why can’t we just be... together
My mama used to say
If you’re too ashamed to introduce him to me
He’s not fit to be a part of your life
And I wish she wasn’t right
But when she asks about you, I lie,
I try, to deny that just like her I lie
Night after night in denial
Telling myself in time
Daddy will come home
And just like me
She wonders why
Every man in her life seems to be a failure,
To fail her,
To nail her to a cross roads
Somewhere in between love and giving up
Between giving her all and not giving a fuck
And I’m my father’s daughter
So if there is one thing I can understand,
I can understand, I do comprehend
That if he can’t hear me scream,
Then maybe it’s time to whisper
To ordain that the pain that encompasses me
Will miss her
My daughter
Who WILL have a loving father whose past won’t come back to haunt her
Who WILL be nothing like her mother,
Who WILL be far stronger
I won’t worry about her...
She will be ok.......
I know cause my mother ordained the same.
on michael...
It is now I see and feel that calling once again,
to be a part of music that will not just connect,
but make all feel one- one in joy, one in pain, one in love.
one in service and in consciousness. ---Michael Joseph Jackson
to be a part of music that will not just connect,
but make all feel one- one in joy, one in pain, one in love.
one in service and in consciousness. ---Michael Joseph Jackson
in a conversation with mr. crawford last night, he said, 'hate is the new love.' a phrase i been using but never really heard it explained quite the way he did. he said, in the days of Michael, Whitney, etc... it was always about love. I need love. I want love. I will always love you. they were driven by it. and now, music, musicians are fueled by hate. You can hate me now. To all the hataz. I do it for the hataz. we are defined by how many people hate us, rather than by how many loved us. so that is why i build my itunes backwards.
5 days ago though, we loved like we did in the 80s. three generations remembered the time when we first met- LOVE. my six year old niece asked about smooth criminal- my favorite MJ video. we remembered my brother's MJ dancing party service-- they did a routine at my sister's sweet 16 and everyone else's parties, talent shows, etc. My father said he couldn't sleep after finding out. And me? In the middle of the dance floor at cafe iguanas... i took his advice. laid my 9-5 on the shelf... and LIVED. thought it started raining, but it was just my tears.
6/30/09 via righteousbabygirls.blogspot.com (my home blog)
Death is never about dying
I got serenity tattooed on my wrist, so I could remember peace in my darkest hour. When it throbs I know it's a reminder of peace in life. Reminds me to calm myself. A mark of the flesh as a reminder to thrive in the spirit. My flesh doesn't mean much to me. I can tell in the way I treat it... but my spirit! Aaaah. God breathes life into my spirit and I cannot mistreat that. No matter how hard I try. But my flesh must die for me to live in the spirit. And you see... you who are my enemy are actually my savior.
They tell you to love your enemy but I am in love with my enemy. He hates me. He hates the way I love, the way I think, the way I act. In his eyes I'm only flesh but see, when I look at him... I see his spirit. I'm sorry for well, the days I thought in terms of flesh. But for the days I thought in the spirit.... well those were the best days of my life. I imagined a day that he would love my spirit but in a year and a half that day has yet to come. It is so easy to get caught up in the flesh. In all that is around you. We forget our partners in spirit who didn't lust after our flesh. The ones who knew our middle names (or lack there of :)) or who loved our mothers for making us. Who were proud of us. Who were happy to see us. Who were honest with us.
I always loved your spirit. Whether you'll believe it or not... cold rain has a way of telling the flesh a lot about the spririt.
But you know, God has been moving in me in miraculous ways. He told me my flesh would have to die in order for spirit to live. I had to release the pain in my flesh for the freedom of my spririt. All this time I kept wondering why I loved you. It was because you you were my enemy. You would betray me. I needed you to. You see you don't know how to lov anyone living. I have to die for you to ever love to me. You wanted to love me so badly you hated me to death. You could kill my flesh but you could never take my spirit's will to live.
Romans 8:13 says "Through the spirit, heal your flesh, you will live, prosper. The words I speak are spirit." I can kill my flesh with the word. In this case you words were, "so, bye." Wrenched with indifference. I felt meaningless but I started to understand that this had to happen. I had to be betrayed, had to be dismissed so I could live.
As I sat in the cold rain dying I finally understood the purpose. When I approached God with an open heart... once I satisfied his love he didn't deny me. I prayed for everthing I experienced. I prayed to be killed.
I prayed to die. I prayed for this because I prayed for my spirit. I prayed for you to kill me without taking my will to live. You can't have that.
I think back to my freshman year of highschool when my mother kept saying how much she wanted a doctor in the family. So as I sat in all of my math and science courses writing compositions, and then told people I would become a plastic surgeon.. I gave up. My mother or anyone else could not make me into a person I wasn't. I was apologetic, I meant well when I lied about my interest in medicine. But i was not that person. And when I think about you... I love you because you are me. There are a world of people asking you to be someone you are not. You may have the ability to be... but you are not.
I wanted you to be a man you couldn't be. One my flesh wanted so badly it ignored what my spirit made clear. No one has ever required anything else of you. The success of your flesh meant you could ignore everything else around you because your success in flesh was enough. You don't have to call, we'll call you... you don't have to care, we'll care for you... you don't have to work, we'll work for you... you don't have to love, we'll love you...
Damn I loved you spirit so much I wanted you to be a doctor when you couldn't be. You didn't know how. So you did what you knew how to do. Love the flesh. Now that you have killed me, my flesh is dead. All that's left is my spirit and you don't know how to love that. So when you hit me with the "bye" I finally understood. Bye is forever. Say goodbye to my flesh... I am dead to you.
They tell you to love your enemy but I am in love with my enemy. He hates me. He hates the way I love, the way I think, the way I act. In his eyes I'm only flesh but see, when I look at him... I see his spirit. I'm sorry for well, the days I thought in terms of flesh. But for the days I thought in the spirit.... well those were the best days of my life. I imagined a day that he would love my spirit but in a year and a half that day has yet to come. It is so easy to get caught up in the flesh. In all that is around you. We forget our partners in spirit who didn't lust after our flesh. The ones who knew our middle names (or lack there of :)) or who loved our mothers for making us. Who were proud of us. Who were happy to see us. Who were honest with us.
I always loved your spirit. Whether you'll believe it or not... cold rain has a way of telling the flesh a lot about the spririt.
But you know, God has been moving in me in miraculous ways. He told me my flesh would have to die in order for spirit to live. I had to release the pain in my flesh for the freedom of my spririt. All this time I kept wondering why I loved you. It was because you you were my enemy. You would betray me. I needed you to. You see you don't know how to lov anyone living. I have to die for you to ever love to me. You wanted to love me so badly you hated me to death. You could kill my flesh but you could never take my spirit's will to live.
Romans 8:13 says "Through the spirit, heal your flesh, you will live, prosper. The words I speak are spirit." I can kill my flesh with the word. In this case you words were, "so, bye." Wrenched with indifference. I felt meaningless but I started to understand that this had to happen. I had to be betrayed, had to be dismissed so I could live.
As I sat in the cold rain dying I finally understood the purpose. When I approached God with an open heart... once I satisfied his love he didn't deny me. I prayed for everthing I experienced. I prayed to be killed.
I prayed to die. I prayed for this because I prayed for my spirit. I prayed for you to kill me without taking my will to live. You can't have that.
I think back to my freshman year of highschool when my mother kept saying how much she wanted a doctor in the family. So as I sat in all of my math and science courses writing compositions, and then told people I would become a plastic surgeon.. I gave up. My mother or anyone else could not make me into a person I wasn't. I was apologetic, I meant well when I lied about my interest in medicine. But i was not that person. And when I think about you... I love you because you are me. There are a world of people asking you to be someone you are not. You may have the ability to be... but you are not.
I wanted you to be a man you couldn't be. One my flesh wanted so badly it ignored what my spirit made clear. No one has ever required anything else of you. The success of your flesh meant you could ignore everything else around you because your success in flesh was enough. You don't have to call, we'll call you... you don't have to care, we'll care for you... you don't have to work, we'll work for you... you don't have to love, we'll love you...
Damn I loved you spirit so much I wanted you to be a doctor when you couldn't be. You didn't know how. So you did what you knew how to do. Love the flesh. Now that you have killed me, my flesh is dead. All that's left is my spirit and you don't know how to love that. So when you hit me with the "bye" I finally understood. Bye is forever. Say goodbye to my flesh... I am dead to you.
R.I.P. Jordyne Persephone B.
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