"I allow myself to feel"

I never watch Mo'nique's show but I think today God brought me to it. I watched Jill Scott come out to talk about her current projects. And she just looked so full of God's light that I hesitated at the sight of her happiness. Her afro looked so confident... her face so beautiful... her voice so rich. And Mo asks, how are you inspired to write your music?

She replied, "I allow myself to feel." and with just that sentence, I wept.

I think society, family, friends, and myself have taught me to do just the opposite. when I sink into an impossible state of depression, i'm supposed to put on a happy face. carry on. live. pretend that whatever devastating thing that has happened to me didn't because, feeling- is weakness. and i wish i would have allowed myself to feel more often.

to respond to people who expressed concern for my family that i didn't know if they were ok and i can't watch the news without throwing up from anxiety. or to tell my mother my grades were so shitty my first semester of law school because i was raped two weeks before it started and was too ashamed to tell anyone. to say to the world, behind this facade is a severely wounded woman who does not know how to feel. twitter says, tweet the most wonderful things about yourself and facebook says only tag the most beautiful pictures... because the world only wants to know us at our best selves.

i feel betrayed by someone who i felt was my sister. my first love, was never in love with me. my mother hates her life and constantly expresses regret. my father told her that my graduation pictures look nice because i don't look that dark. and i never really felt any of these things. i never said i bust my ass because i constantly feel like i am not good enough. not for that friend who chose someone else and not for that guy who loves someone else.

my horoscope said tomorrow is a new moon. and with that, i just want to feel. and if i can manage to FEEL my way out of whatever i'm going through, i wont just be here. i'll be present.

wearing this mask, is what i've been taught to do for so long, i forgot it's ok to take it off when i'm home. and wherever we live... blogsphere, twitter, DC, our own minds-- we each deserve to feel. it's the only thing that makes each of us human.

"i tell you, I know everybody’s in the same mess. I’m telling you. We all are. I know that, you know, and I’m just, you know, I’ll be the first to tell you, you know, I’m a mess and God is dealing with me everyday. And everyday I’m trying, you know, how I can be less of a mess. Cuz you know, he showed me, Look Lauryn, you know, You’re the problem, ok, I’m going to show you how you’re causing the problem, and now I want you to be the solution"

and who knows better than lauryn?