"I allow myself to feel"

I never watch Mo'nique's show but I think today God brought me to it. I watched Jill Scott come out to talk about her current projects. And she just looked so full of God's light that I hesitated at the sight of her happiness. Her afro looked so confident... her face so beautiful... her voice so rich. And Mo asks, how are you inspired to write your music?

She replied, "I allow myself to feel." and with just that sentence, I wept.

I think society, family, friends, and myself have taught me to do just the opposite. when I sink into an impossible state of depression, i'm supposed to put on a happy face. carry on. live. pretend that whatever devastating thing that has happened to me didn't because, feeling- is weakness. and i wish i would have allowed myself to feel more often.

to respond to people who expressed concern for my family that i didn't know if they were ok and i can't watch the news without throwing up from anxiety. or to tell my mother my grades were so shitty my first semester of law school because i was raped two weeks before it started and was too ashamed to tell anyone. to say to the world, behind this facade is a severely wounded woman who does not know how to feel. twitter says, tweet the most wonderful things about yourself and facebook says only tag the most beautiful pictures... because the world only wants to know us at our best selves.

i feel betrayed by someone who i felt was my sister. my first love, was never in love with me. my mother hates her life and constantly expresses regret. my father told her that my graduation pictures look nice because i don't look that dark. and i never really felt any of these things. i never said i bust my ass because i constantly feel like i am not good enough. not for that friend who chose someone else and not for that guy who loves someone else.

my horoscope said tomorrow is a new moon. and with that, i just want to feel. and if i can manage to FEEL my way out of whatever i'm going through, i wont just be here. i'll be present.

wearing this mask, is what i've been taught to do for so long, i forgot it's ok to take it off when i'm home. and wherever we live... blogsphere, twitter, DC, our own minds-- we each deserve to feel. it's the only thing that makes each of us human.

"i tell you, I know everybody’s in the same mess. I’m telling you. We all are. I know that, you know, and I’m just, you know, I’ll be the first to tell you, you know, I’m a mess and God is dealing with me everyday. And everyday I’m trying, you know, how I can be less of a mess. Cuz you know, he showed me, Look Lauryn, you know, You’re the problem, ok, I’m going to show you how you’re causing the problem, and now I want you to be the solution"

and who knows better than lauryn?

2/12/10

I've been in love twice. Got my first boyfriend about 2 months ago. ten months away from 24, five months away from a law degree. i been waiting on him my whole life. to be in love, and have it reciprocated. to hold someone that wants to be held. to be there for someone who needs me. i feel like my entire life i had wonderful friends, loving family, a stellar career and beauty. i worked so hard at being beautiful inside cause i wasn't always beautiful outside and i knew there was no value in that. and finally- finally... i found him. and to this moment i believe when we were born God and fate drew us together. our bodies match, our faces match, our signs match, our futures match... we. just. fit.

and now i've reached a point where i feel that the Gods listened... gave me what i needed so badly, what i prayed for everyday.... and took away everything else. like an addict i got my drug and in the process, lost so much i held so dear. literally watched my country destroyed. dead bodies on street corners. my family.... homeless. listening to my parents weep every. night. hearing reports of more and more bodies found under the remnants of our family homes.

friends i have shared for years... dropping off like flies. and you reach a moment when you say... this. is. not. my. fault. but no one says the rest.... it doesn't matter whose fault it is.... it just plain hurts. it was the sacrifice of abraham... and i rather give my friendship up than see it cut in half. and while all this shit falls down the only shit left standing was us. and to be honest, it called into question everything i've ever thought about happiness. as much as i love him... love is never enough. it's a foundation to be built upon not the whole house. but for every brick we lay down there is someone ripping it away... and sometimes... it's us.

i suppose having everything is impossible... but next time, i know to pray for balance... cause i was never good at playing both sides.

liberdad

me:i am working on something very exciting

Ruck: ah...i can feel it!

me: Do you think as a writer, you can write about something completely foreign to you?

and it be good

Ruck: a question first...is anything, topic, experience, emotion foreign?

3:00 PM me: yes yes!

that's what i'm exploring!

if we try to write about these things

will we see more humanity?

3:01 PM Ruck: i think life is interconnected. our knowlege or experiences related to issues, emotions, etc. vary, but i dont think anything is foreign...

3:02 PM i think you should go for it. there are always gradations...explore those and the nuances.

3:03 PM me: yes yes I am I will

I hope I can do it justice

Ruck: you will.

Now I ask you readers... did I?

Tonight we stayed in,
laying in my basement apartment
the sound of the rain
mimicking the footsteps
just above us.
If we listen closely we can hear the wind whisper
sweet nothings into our window panes
the fog makes visibility difficult,
so tonight there is no need to close the curtains.
The light peaking from the bathroom
eclipses the darkness outdoors
just enough to keep the shadows of passersby
dancing across our skin
something about the mood
is warm.
ice chips melt in the salt settled along
my tongue from the heat in the room
the center of my chest shines
from the perspiration not quite intense enough
to form beads.
and just inches away from me
I can feel your thoughts
rising and falling with every breath you take.
when you exhale
i feel the air from your lips
dance across my eyelids
each time you speak,
your voice echoes, booms,
beats...
and a steady baseline
runs down my spine.
Something about the mood,
is warm
like the spot between
your chin and your neck
i kiss you softly there,
lips slightly parted,
moist-
warm.
i feel your fingertips
tapping at my thoughts,
understanding...
gripping them effortlessly
opening your mouth to tell me
you're thinking the same thing
feeding me the last bit of chill in the room
just before it melts
my hair intertwined in your french tips
and you taking the words out of my mouth
slowly,
the texture of your taste buds
grabs each moan, protest, hesitation
and swallows them
digesting any doubts.
I run my finger across your collar bone
admire the richness of your skin
marvel at the bareness of your chest.
as each wall comes down,
i begin to see you take shape
there is beauty in the lithe rotundness of your form
and nervous and excited energy
nibble where there is meat
biting just hard enough
for us to hear the steel
tapping against my teeth.
she speaks...
stand up, i want to see you.
her eyes look through me,
small hands
slide up my legs,
cup my bottom
and peel away the fabric separating us.
I can feel the heat from my pores
warm her palms
she hums across the small of my back
I am ready.
i return with curious hands,
sit her down for questioning...
gently part her point of prayer
and lay my cheek
just on the inside of her thigh
I stop
I want to remember this scent.
I suck my index finger
and slowly beckon her center
I whisper,
I want to make you come.
back arched,
protracted-
one hundred eighty degrees
perfection requires balance
and i find myself nestled equally
between multiple pairs...
Something about the mood,
is warm...

[to be continued]

keep or be kept.

It's crazy how someone can say something and it just sticks. It makes sense, it hits home, it's on point. And not in that general sense (which is always good) but that one line that just makes so many things crystal clear. So, on twitter, Chevy_Pender tweets the block quote below. I copy/paste it. It stays at the top of a word document for a long long time. For one, I can't create poetry on a computer, only edit. So my next pieces will be better now that I have some damn paper. But two, I knew what I wanted to say... the how was proving difficult. So I sort of let instinct have it's way. And this is how it went...

Hate in your heart is like self-imprisonment,

when you let it go, it lets you go...

Some days I wake up confined…
My feelings not my own,
My despair uncontrolled
And you in control of my slumber-
Taunting me.
And every thought in between
The dark colors and stings
Is what would it be like to be free?
Couldn’t fathom just being me
So I’m stuck waking up
Like huh? What the fuck?
When did this begin defining me?
despising me?
Speaking so sweetly-
But having no meaning
And I pause to ask myself-
Who’s really doing the keeping?
When you’re around I’m at my worst
Going to bed, never sleeping
Always crying, never weeping
End up starving from overeating.
Imprisoned by this body
Told when to eat, shit, and think and
I’m too strong to be incarcerated for being weak and
if I just close my eyes I could sleep and
If it’d let me go I could think and-
Not sure of where to place the blame
But my hate for you has driven me insane
When it was in walking distance all along
I could stroll and lose my mind cuz you wrong
If I’m strong enough to find it when you gone
Before you divide it,
Before love and hate collided
And I became my own warden
Too scared to think outside the box
I locked myself into you
Forgetting that Love. Is. Key.
It’s the only ingredient in freedom
And is a dish best served warm,
With sincerity…
Your grip once held tightly to me
It just took another look for me to see
If I opened my arms wide enough for you to fit between,
You’d slip right out of my hands...

and there ain't no holding on to
something you can't grasp...
and no need to question if you cant ask
strength is about how much you can carry
but resilience is about how much you can let go
get free from the get go
love. is. key.