I feel you near.
I remember a time when we were together... I'd get your text or call just when I needed you. Or I'd be worried about you and you'd say you were fine but... I knew when you needed me. I know how you are when you're down. You keep to yourself. Stay quiet. I used to worry that all that rumbling in your brain would kill you. That no one could keep that much inside.
And now that there is nothing but pain and anger and sadness and love between us... I wonder if what I'm feeling is real. I worry about you. At times, I feel as if I can feel your sadness. Other times, like I can feel you thinking of me.
I'm so angry with you. I'm so hurt by you. But I love you. With every muscle in my body I do... I swear. I'm learning to deal with it.... but I loved you so deeply, I feel like I can feel your sadness. Like I can feel you near me, thinking of me. I'm probably wrong... but my heart pains me... and that same heart tells me it's pain we share.
It's been 20 days.
I still feel you near.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
No 808s, just the latter.
This verse starts as my snipers hit they marks...
and your guards fall down from a rifle to the heart.
I learned that at its core, love is about trust. And when it's destroyed, without dedicating yourselves fully to repairing it, it's only a matter of time before it all crumbles before you. And I also learned that, if you go into every situation with you guard up, you become so weary carrying that armor that the moment someone makes you feel at home... you drop your protection so fast you forget why you had it on in the first place.
And so I gladly let my guard down for you... not only did you make me feel at home, you were the first person to do so. so in addition to feeling tremendous comfort, I felt gratitude. Like I owed you for thinking of me without provocation, what I had been trying to convince the world of my entire life. And I valued that so much I would fight ferociously for it.
Walking around armorless was so scary, yet so liberating. It was the first time I could freely be my complete self with a person. But I feared everyday that it was a cruel joke, a lie, a ploy to get more out of me then I would hand over with my guard up. I was the bank teller you convinced to remove the bullet proof glass so you could see her better... but you were robbing the bank all along.
I think back to the time we spent and wonder what was the motivation for choosing me. You had many loves, near and far... old and new, why did you need me? After the first night we spent I wrote, pain I know, it's the love that's new. And I guess a part of me hoped if at anytime in our journey what you were feeling wasn't in line with what I was feeling, you'd excuse yourself before you'd hurt me. And what I realize now is, we were dealing with 2 issues. One was certainly a love that moved to fast, feelings too deep, too soon- that we tried desperately to slow down... and then the second issue of you just being dishonest.
And I was so mad. so hurt. so frustrated. so sick. because I'll never know if it was real for you... I'll only know how real it was for me. The running to the bathroom in the middle of dinner to cry. The stoic waking up in the morning. Wanting to die so I can watch your reaction from heaven. Writing letters to keep myself from calling. Reading your twitter to see if you're hurting like I am. Because, I can accept that we didn't work. That it was bad timing. Even that you or I made mistakes. But I can't fathom that you didn't really love me. That it was all a lie.
I haven't eaten a real meal in 5 days. And as angry as you made me, I finally have gotten to a point where I am not thrown into any intense emotion by your twitter. Not love, not hate, not jealousy, not sadness. I have accepted that I am alone in this heartbreak. I know you're making love to the mother of your child as I write this. And I'm nursing the wounds you left on my spirit. I know in time, I won't be up late nights weeping. And I'll be able to move on... but I think the fact is, I didn't want to with you.
I wanted this to work because I'm still in love with you. And I just knew after the last time, I would never fall for anyone who didn't love me back. But I did. And no friend or website or book of astrology has been able to make me feel better. I said pain I knew... well this is a different kind. It is new to me. Feels like everyday you try to hurt me more often, and on purpose. And the really sucky part is.... whether I'm wrong or right about your motives.... it works and I do.
I can only rely on the fact that if we were still together, you'd be sneaking out to talk to me on the phone, while they sleep. And as much I may think I want you... I don't want that, nor do I deserve it.
And so I gladly let my guard down for you... not only did you make me feel at home, you were the first person to do so. so in addition to feeling tremendous comfort, I felt gratitude. Like I owed you for thinking of me without provocation, what I had been trying to convince the world of my entire life. And I valued that so much I would fight ferociously for it.
Walking around armorless was so scary, yet so liberating. It was the first time I could freely be my complete self with a person. But I feared everyday that it was a cruel joke, a lie, a ploy to get more out of me then I would hand over with my guard up. I was the bank teller you convinced to remove the bullet proof glass so you could see her better... but you were robbing the bank all along.
I think back to the time we spent and wonder what was the motivation for choosing me. You had many loves, near and far... old and new, why did you need me? After the first night we spent I wrote, pain I know, it's the love that's new. And I guess a part of me hoped if at anytime in our journey what you were feeling wasn't in line with what I was feeling, you'd excuse yourself before you'd hurt me. And what I realize now is, we were dealing with 2 issues. One was certainly a love that moved to fast, feelings too deep, too soon- that we tried desperately to slow down... and then the second issue of you just being dishonest.
And I was so mad. so hurt. so frustrated. so sick. because I'll never know if it was real for you... I'll only know how real it was for me. The running to the bathroom in the middle of dinner to cry. The stoic waking up in the morning. Wanting to die so I can watch your reaction from heaven. Writing letters to keep myself from calling. Reading your twitter to see if you're hurting like I am. Because, I can accept that we didn't work. That it was bad timing. Even that you or I made mistakes. But I can't fathom that you didn't really love me. That it was all a lie.
I haven't eaten a real meal in 5 days. And as angry as you made me, I finally have gotten to a point where I am not thrown into any intense emotion by your twitter. Not love, not hate, not jealousy, not sadness. I have accepted that I am alone in this heartbreak. I know you're making love to the mother of your child as I write this. And I'm nursing the wounds you left on my spirit. I know in time, I won't be up late nights weeping. And I'll be able to move on... but I think the fact is, I didn't want to with you.
I wanted this to work because I'm still in love with you. And I just knew after the last time, I would never fall for anyone who didn't love me back. But I did. And no friend or website or book of astrology has been able to make me feel better. I said pain I knew... well this is a different kind. It is new to me. Feels like everyday you try to hurt me more often, and on purpose. And the really sucky part is.... whether I'm wrong or right about your motives.... it works and I do.
I can only rely on the fact that if we were still together, you'd be sneaking out to talk to me on the phone, while they sleep. And as much I may think I want you... I don't want that, nor do I deserve it.
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