on purpose

i stumbled across a very interesting website called thesuicideproject. no, i'm not getting any crazy ideas, but i do often feel down. i deal with my depression by writing, but often times, i find it hard to write if i'm feeling down enough. this was a whirlwind of weeks, dealing with the loss of a relationship, a shitty job market, and general, wtf is my life about? how will i survive the next 20 years when i can't hold on to 1 thing that makes me happy? God is trying and testing me in ways I can't understand. Ways I don't know how to deal with other than being present... and if he is testing me i am at a loss because i have yet to find a way to act within his vision. he wants me to do something and i ain't moving yet.

i digress though. in all my confusion, and writers block, i look toward other writers to express feelings i can't or inspire thought life hasn't. the suicide project is a collection of suicide letters... some what you may think of as traditional, but many are really introspective looks at life and it's meaning or for some, lack thereof. One note read:

"I don’t know why I breathe now. Maybe its because of that so called survival mechanism or maybe its because I don’t want those few people who would actually care if I was dead (close family) to be sad. Still, I don’t want to exist in almost constant soul-crushing pain just so a few people can have the piece of mind that I still exist."

from NRTL #2

It's a common thread in many of these notes. the idea that the only thing keeping these people alive is the fear of hurting friends and family who would be destroyed by their absence. for a long time i thought love kept us alive. but no.... love plays a different role. human beings survive on purpose. love just makes us seek purpose from some more than others. at then end of the day, a person lives because they need to feel they have purpose. and with purpose comes duty, we have a duty not to disappoint, hurt or destroy those who give us purpose. our fear of breaking that trust keeps most of us alive when we feel everything else wants us dead.

it's why people who can't work are so miserable. jobs, careers, give us purpose. romantic relationships give us purpose. family gives us purpose. and that doesn't mean they give us anything else. not security, not freedom, not companionship. cause you get to that place alone. they aren't around when you're literally making a life or death decision, that happens at a table where only you and God can sit. but when you're in the darkest of places, and you are deciding that, often times the only safety you have is the thought that your child, or sibling, or parent, or boyfriend does not to deserve to feel like you do right then.

purpose is life. life is love. love is unselfish.